


Angels Fall Without You There

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Hurt/Comfort, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-20
Updated: 2011-10-20
Packaged: 2017-10-24 19:50:45
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,803
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/267216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“You are full of everything that is amazing and beautiful and I'm empty.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Angels Fall Without You There

**Author's Note:**

> I didn’t necessarily want to write this story but the fic goddesses had other ideas. When I fight writing one, for whatever reason, I always lose. I listened to Fire and Rain most of the time I was typing this and cried like a fool. This isn’t my usual Hotch and Prentiss but they wanted to tell their story too. The title comes from the Goo Goo Dolls song, Black Balloon.

He knew she was there, he could always feel her presence. She didn’t come closer and he didn’t turn around. Hotch took a deep breath and just stared straight ahead. It was still hard to believe he was here; that Haley was here. His mind tried to process it but a week later and it was still a gray blur.

He’d done his best to tell Jack. The four year old understood more than Hotch could’ve imagined. He was so intelligent, perceptive, and accepted what his father told him. There were lots of tears, the both of them cried, and Jack had been sleeping in his bed all week. This was supposed to be a happy time…a reunion with his family. They were not supposed to be burying Haley.

Hotch didn’t get there in time to save her. He would think about that everyday for the rest of his life. He told Jack that Mommy went to heaven saving his life and that was true. Still, Daddy failed to save Mommy. Would Jack one day ask him about that? Wasn’t he supposed to be the hero?

They weren't married anymore, and she hadn’t signed on for anything like this. She had so much to live for and yet they were here. There would be no tomorrow for the woman so full of life and promise. How would Hotch ever be able to make sense out of the utterly senseless?

He tensed when Emily’s hand fell on his shoulder. He inhaled deeply, leaning his cheek on it. No more tears; he didn’t have the strength to cry anymore. While he had no idea right now how to move on, Hotch knew that he had to. He had to get up and walk away. He’d be back, he would be back a lot, but he had to walk away today. Emily came around to where he sat and held out her hand. Hotch didn’t look at her as he took it and finally stood from the bench.

“Everyone has gone back to Jessie’s house for the repast.” She said.

“They left you here to look after me?” He asked, still unable to take his eyes off the mound of dirt. The girl he’d loved since seventeen was under there. A time would never come when that was acceptable.

“I volunteered, Hotch; you needed a ride.”

“I don't know if I'm ready yet.”

“Shall I wait in the car?” Emily didn’t want to push but she wanted to take him out of there.

Haley wasn’t there but surely anyway that was said would come out wrong. It wasn’t her place to say anyway. Everyone handled death differently. While she couldn’t describe Haley as a friend, the women had been friendly. This was especially hard because of the way she died. No one deserved that and Prentiss knew what it was like to be left behind in the wake of tragedy. Her whole heart went out to the Brooks family and especially Aaron and Jack.

“No,” Hotch shook his head. “Please stay with me.”

“Alright. Do you want to sit back down?”

“I think we need to go.”

They stood there for a few moments before Hotch turned and walked away. He still held on her hand so Emily went with him. They walked out of the cemetery and across the road to the waiting SUV. Emily opened the passenger side for Hotch; she walked around to climb into the driver’s seat.

“Prentiss wait a minute,” he put his hand on hers as she tried to put the key into the ignition. “I'm taking a leave of absence from the BAU.”

“I know.”

“It’s indefinite.”

“Yeah,” she nodded.

“I was trying to find a way to tell you, but…”

“With everything going on right now it wasn’t a top priority. I think it’s a good idea.”

“It’s important that Jack and I settle into how it’s going to be now. His comfort is essential to me.”

“Of course it is.” Emily nodded again.

“Emily…”

“Yes?”

“Nevermind.” Hotch shook his head.

“Alright,” Emily started the car.

“You are so full of everything is amazing and beautiful and I'm empty.”

“You're not empty, Hotch, but I understand.”

“Do you?” He asked.

“I'm trying to.”

“I destroy everything I touch.” Hotch said.

“That is not true. You know that’s not true.”

“If anything ever happened to you because of me…”

“Please, stop.” Emily bit her bottom lip so he wouldn’t see it trembling. Tears pooled in her eyes; she willed them not to fall. “We shouldn’t have this conversation today. Not today, Aaron.”

She didn’t call him Aaron very often. When she did, Hotch usually knew it was serious and he backed off. He couldn’t do that now…he needed to say things. They might not be good things, and it might be a bad time, but that didn’t mean they weren’t important.

“Emily, if there is anything I've learned recently it’s that there isn’t always time. We have to say what needs to be said. We have to say it now.”

“I want to hear everything you have to say, I just don’t think today is the day. Please. You need to get back to Jack.”

She pulled out of the parking space and onto the road. It would be about a half hour back to his sister-in-law’s place in McLean, more with traffic. He needed to be with his son now and nothing else mattered. The car was quiet, only the sound of their breathing. Emily felt the cold air underneath the silence and it made her shiver.

“I'm glad you volunteered.” Hotch broke the silence.

“I don’t want to hover but I do want to look after you. I also figured you would know it’s OK not to have to talk.”

“They want to look after me too.”

“They all feel the same way I do.” Emily reasoned.

“Not the same way.”

“What do you want me to say, Hotch?” Upset that her exasperation was showing, upset she was exasperated in the first place, Emily glanced at her passenger. Was he spoiling for a fight? “Do you want me to say that I love you? I don't know if I've ever allowed myself to properly think about it. Love hurts, Aaron.”

“That’s what I've been trying to tell you.” He replied.

“Any speech you give, with whatever intent, won't change the way I feel about you.”

“I know that.”

“Yet you want to say it anyway?”

“I don’t want to lose anyone else!” Hotch tried and failed to check his tone. “If there's no one else to lose…”

“Then you're the loser.” She whispered. “You can't stop love, just as you can't stop hate. They're two sides of the same emotion.”

“I thought about trying to turn back,” He went on as if she hadn’t spoken. “I thought about focusing on strengthening our friendship.”

“Our friendship is quite strong and it’ll remain that way. We’re staying friends, Hotch.”

“And that’s all?” He asked.

“Please don’t make me deconstruct this right now. You need this time off; you need to be with Jack. There are so many things happening to you right now, do you really think you need to worry about this. Get it off your mind.”

“If I could get you off my mind, Emily, we wouldn’t need to have this conversation.”

“I'm here for you because I care. I care a lot and that is all you need to think about right now. There's a whole group of us and we’re here. Just focus on that.”

Maybe if Hotch hadn’t beat around the bush for a year and a half, he wouldn’t be in this position now. There had been more than enough opportunities to put words to it, times when he should have, and he let each one slip by. He took the easy way out and because Emily never brought it up either, he justified it to himself. Now this was happening and he was unsure about where they both stood. Hotch didn’t know whether to hold on tight or shove her away.

They were definitely more than friends. If he pretended they weren't for all this time he was jolted from that fantasy when he woke up too early a couple of days ago. He found her and Jack sound asleep on his couch; the little boy curled in her arms. Hotch had no idea how something so heartbreaking could be so hopeful at the same time. Emily was there, she was always there, and perhaps for the moment that would have to be enough.

He couldn’t negate the importance of what was happening between them but Emily was right. It had been happening and would continue to do so. Right now other things needed to take precedence. Perhaps Hotch tried to make that conundrum a top priority to stop thinking about everything else. It hadn’t worked so far…not for a moment. He needed to stop.

“I'm sorry.” His apology was barely audible.

“Apology accepted.”

“And you're here?” He asked.

“I'm always here; for you and Jack.”

“Thank you.” Hotch wanted to look at her but couldn’t.

“You're welcome.”

“I…” He stopped and cleared his throat.

“I love you,” Emily finished his thought. “Don’t say a word Hotch, just know that. We all love you and all that matters to us is that you and Jack have everything you need to get through this tough time.”

Hotch nodded, taking her advice to not say a word. This time though he was not going to justify it in his head. He knew why she was silencing him but it didn’t mean he had to stay that way. After New York, when he was seeing the Department shrink, she told him that writing down his thoughts would be the best way to make sure everything was expressed. Just a week after Haley’s death, Hotch had already nearly filled a whole notebook. There were still two more left in the pack and much more to say.

He closed his eyes before focusing out of the window. It was a beautiful day with more beautiful days to come. How could the world keep turning when someone you loved wasn’t there to enjoy it? Yet it did, and there would be more joy in it for the people left behind. Who knew when the day would come when Hotch felt joy again? As they pulled up to Jessie’s home and he saw all the cars outside, he knew it wasn’t going to be for quite some time.

“We’ll do this together,” Emily said, reading some of his thoughts. “If you want.”

“Yeah,” Hotch nodded, getting out of the car. He needed to be with his son and loved ones. He needed to hold on tight.

***


End file.
